Ten Minute Radio Play

sCENE 1. 

football GROUND in nottingham. jan 1989. sprint TRAINING. Jimmy is Watching cloughie shouting at The players

CLOughie:                       C’mon lad, sprint! Me nan’s faster than that and she’s got two wooden legs. Ten press ups the lot of you!

jimmy(V.O) :            Harsh. Very harsh. I’d rather be squirting jelly into pork pies anyday

CLOUGHIE:            Balls out lads – five a side, two halves of ten (BEAT) Gerra shift on I’m missing “Neighbours”!

five a side match starts 

pippa(off):            There he is. There’s Cloughie. Bring all the gear, John, chop, chop

The Clank of camera equipment being carried from off 

jimmy(V.O.):                      Bloody ‘ell me “Oprah Winfrey” moment an I’m dyin for a slash. ‘Scuse us a second. ….

pippa(OFF) :            Where’s the fan gone?

John(OFF)  :            The gents I think

pippa(OFF):                     What’s he doing there? Get him back. Get him back here John, chop chop

cloughie:            You couldn’t trap a bag of cement!

clanking stops

pippa:            Mr Clough? Pippa Lawrence, “Midlands Today” – pleasure to meet you. And this is our cameraman, John Turner

john:            How d’you do Mr Clough?

pippa:            And here’s the fan…er….what’s your name? I’m sorry I’ve forgotten

jimmy:            (out of breath) Jimmy

pippa:            Jimmy what?

JIMMY:            (still out of breath )Jimmy Wilkinson

beat

cloughie:            Is it April fool?

john:            No it’s January Mr Cl -

Cloughie:                        I know what bloody month it is lad. Do you want a clip round the ear?

pippa:            That’s sort of why we’re here actually  -

cloughie:            You’re on my football pitch young lady

john:            We’ve squared it with the press office Mr Cl -

cloughie:                        And you’re off-side young man

pippa:             It’s basically a “kiss and make up” feature 

cloughie:            Which one’s Tweedle dee?

John:            What Pippa…what my colleague is trying to say is…we’ve brought along one of the fans you…er

cloughie:            One of the fans I…er…what? 

john:            One of the fans you….er

Pippa:                                ”apprehended” - for want of a better word - at the pitch invasion last Wednesday….

john:            and he’s come along this morning to apologise….

Pippa:                          …on television….  

john:                                …for “Midlands Today”…

pippa:            ….tonight

jimmy:            Hello Brian. I’m Jimmy. One of the fans. One of the fans you hit on the head

SCENE 2.front room. jimmy and Mam are eating tea. tv is on: BBC “midlands today” theme tune. Jimmy is singing along

mam:            Belt up Jimmy you’re putting me off me tea

JIMMY:            I’m on telly in a minute mam

mam:            And I’m Nora Batty – don’t talk daft lad

tv fades up

Pippa(D) :            …with thirty two year old pie worker Jimmy Wilkinson…

EATING stops

mam:            Bloody Nora

jimmy:            Told ya

PlPPA(D) :            ….to meet Forest manager Brian Clough

mam:            Bloody Nora

pIpPA(D) :            …. for his part in last week’s pitch invasion

mam:                                 What pitch invasion?

jimmy(D) :            I’d just like to say sorry Brian. I don’t think you should’ve hit me but I don’t think I should’ve been on the pitch in the first place (beat) So I’m sorry for starting it

cloughie(D) :            Come here lad and let Cloughie give you a smacker

A loud kiss. Tv continues low

jimmy:                              Kissed by “God” eh? I won’t wash for a week

mam:            Hit by “God” more like

jimmy:                               What’s up mam? I’ve just been on telly with a football legend. I’m famous.

mam:            Famous for being an idiot. How did they find you?

jimmy:            Who?

mam:            “Midlands Today”

JIMMY:            They came in the “Dog and Bear” askin’ if I knew any of the fans

mam:            And you kept your gob shut

jimmy:                               I told ‘em Cloughie hit me

mam:                                  Do you want all Nottingham to know you’re a football hooligan?

jimmy:            I’ve been on telly mam – It was a laugh

mam:            I’m splittin me sides Jimmy – when will you grow up?

JIMMY:                               When you stop naggin me. I’m off to the “Dog” - to find you a sense of humour

scene 3. dog n bear. “me n Mrs jones”(original version) on juke box quiet pub noise

jimmy(V.O.):            Dead as a dodo – what night is it? Tuesday. Darts Night - Sod it. And the telly’s not been on. I checked. No-one’s seen it (BEAT) No-one’s even noticed I’m here

smokers mild coughing fit

JIMMY(V.O.) :            Who was that bloke said we all get fifteen minutes of fame? I reckon he was talking out of his -

Factory hooter. scene 4. PIE FACTORY. hum of processing machines

jimmy(V.O):            It’s like winning “employee of the month”. People keep pointing at me and laughing

Hydraulic gun squirts jelly in rhythm    

TWOPINTS:                      Saw you on the box last night Jimmy

jimmy:            Oh aye      

twopints:            You’re taller than Cloughie aren’t you?

jimmy:            Nothin gets past you does it Twopints?

twopints:            Look, it’s the girls in pastry. They’re starin’ at you. Give ‘em a wave Jimmy

jimmy:                              Hi girls

jelly gun misses a squirt

twopints:            Watch out - you missed your squirt!

jimmy:            Oh bugger! Some poor sod’s in for a shock tomorrow when he bites into a jelly-free pork pie

twopints:            I never eat ‘em myself. Not after seein’ what they put inside. Pig’s ears, bits of stomach, toe nails -

jimmy:            Alright Twopints I get the picture. Anyway, I’m a vegan

twopints:            I’m a Gemini

break bell. SCENE 5.  works canteen.  Frank an Jimmy are drinking tea in a corner. hubbub under dialogue

frank:            Our Mam was on the phone last night. Says you were on “Midlands Today” making a fool of yourself

jimmy:            Pass the sugar Frank

passes sugar across table while speaking. jimmy stirs under dialogue 

frank:            Then I come into work this morning an everyone’s sayin me brother’s a local hero

jimmy:                              I am a local hero

frank:                             For what? Getting cuffed by Brian Clough?

jimmy:            We kissed and made up though – in front of millions

frank:            You live in a dream world Jimmy

jimmy:            Because it’s better than the real one. Why do you always piss on me bonfire Frank? You’re worse than Mam

FRANK:            I’m not arguing with you

jimmy:            Cos you know you’ll lose

they drink

JIMMY:            How’s Jo and the kids?

FRANK:                             Fine – takin ‘em out for the day, Saturday

jimmy:            Nottingham Castle?

frank:            Macdonalds and Blockbusters

JIMMY LAUGHs

frank:            You shouldn’t be living at home Jimmy

jimmy:            I know that Frank 

jimmy drinks

frank:            Why don’t you go down and see Jo’s brother – he’s got tons of building work on

jimmy:                                I hate Cockneys

frank:            He’s from Kent

bell sounds. SCENE 6. the “DOG AN BEAR”. JUKE BOX PLAYS “billy don’t be a hero” by Paper lace. jimmy is a BIT pissed 

jimmy(V.O.) :            (off) Cheers mate! (to us) That’s me fifteenth free pint. (sings along to juke box)…“Come back and make me your wife…” 1975 that was. Paper Lace. Nottingham’s first number one. I bet they got free drinks an all …”an as Billy started to go”…   

mam:            Can I have your autograph please Jimmy Wilkinson

jimmy:            Mam (beat) What you doing here?

mam:            I needed to get away from that blasted phone – it won’t stop ringing. It’s all your fault you know

(pause)

jimmy:            Do you want a pint – I’ve got a stockpile

mam:            That’d be nice

SHE DRINKs. Beat

MaM:            Found your old boots when I was clearing the loft this morning – they were white once I got the mud off

jimmy:            Not me “Alan Ball’s”? Bloody hell! They’re older than Paper Lace! 

mam:            Who?

jimmy:            Never mind 

They drink. pause

jimmy:            Mam

mam:            What?

jimmy:            I weren’t actually cuffed by Cloughie you know   

MaM:                                  How do you mean?

Jimmy:                               I was nowhere near him when he hit the fans. I was still on the terraces

MAM:            Then why did you say you were?

jimmy:            I thought it’d be a laugh

MAM:            Ask a stupid question……

jimmy:            And it is a laugh mam –  look at all me freebies

mAM:            I’ll keep me gob shut if you give me another

JIMMY:                               Is that a bribe?

MAM:                                  No it’s a Guinness

JIMMY:            I’ll have to carry you home again

mam:            I’m lookin forward to it

Takes drink. beat

mam:                                 Why don’t you play anymore Jimmy? You used to be quite good

jIMMY:            I was quicker than Franz Carr - ooh ah franzie carr

mam:            Who -

JIMMY:            -ah franzie carr…I was better than our Frank anyroad

mam:                                  Spoke to him yesterday – says I can use his season ticket on Saturday

Jimmy:            You never go to Forest mam

mam:            I do now son (beat) You comin? 

SCENE 7. the city ground match day. Chant of “brian clough’s a football genius” then crowd cheers as jimmy an mam take seats

Mam:            Is that for you Jimmy?

jimmy:            I’m a celebrity didn’t I tell you?

mam:            Better keep “mum” then

A huge roar then “we will rock you” over tannoy as players take the field

mam:            It’s like a pop concert. Who’s the player in the mittens?

jimmy:            Nigel Clough, he’s Cloughie’s son – and  they’re gloves not mittens

mam:            You can tell his mam looks after him though can’t you?

Whistle blows for kick off. crowd noise increases under

jimmy:            We’re playin Spurs away next week mam. Thought I might stay down South for a bit after. Stay with Jo’s brother (BEAT) Just for a few weeks 

crowd roar at a near miss. then chant “ooh ah Franzie Carr” under dialogue

MAM:                                 It’s exciting isn’t it?

JIMMY:                              Aye, it is (BEAT) I’ve never been to Kent           

MAM:                                 I can’t hear you if you mumble Jimmy

JImmY:                              Just enjoy the match mam and I’ll talk to meself for a bit

MAM:                                 You’re a funny boy Jimmy Wilkinson

beat

JIMMY:                              Might try those boots on when I get home. See if they still fit

mam:            You goin to start playin again?

jimmy:            Aye mam I think so (BEAT) I might even take them with me

CHANt builds and segues into the chorus of “OOPs UPSIDE YER HEAD” from which it is taken.  end.

Three scenes of a Radio Play

SOULMATES: The first three scenes of a 45 minute radio Play

SCENE 1. 

F/X:            BUSY Hospital ward then Door shuts into noiseless interior two pairs of  Feet  pad softly on carpet then stop

TONY:            That’s not her

RUTH:            What do you mean?

TONY:            It’s a skeleton with skin on

RUTH:            She hasn’t eaten for a week

TONY:            Hadn’t

RUTH:            Couldn’t keep anything down at the end

Tony:            Her vomit was like black treacle

RUTH:                                I don’t want to think about it

TONY:            Only not so sweet tasting…I imagine

RUTH:            I said I don’t want to think about it

TONY:                               .She looks anorexic 

 RUTH:                                Shut up Tony

TONY:            It’s not her it’s just a body…a body that’s been dead a hundred years

RUTH:            Four hours actually

TONY:            I should have got here before

RUTH:            Before what?

TONY:            Before….you know…to say goodbye

RUTH:            You are saying goodbye

TONY:            No I’m not…..was Dad with her when she died?

RUTH:             As far as I know

TONY:                                Did she say anything?

RUTH:            How do I know?

TONY:                               Weren’t you there?

RUTH:            I popped out for a hot chocolate 

TONY:                                Good timing

RUTH:            You can talk

TONY:            I just want to know how she went….did she struggle or what?

RUTH:                                She was barely conscious for twenty four hours…it was like watching paint dry….just a bit more poignant…why do you have to make everything so dramatic? 

TONY:            Ruth your mum just died of cancer you weren’t doing the decorating

RUTH:            Tony your mum was dying of cancer for six weeks and you only just got here 

TONY:            I was working

RUTH:            I was working

Tony:            Yeah but it doesn’t matter if you take time off

RUTH:            What’s that supposed to mean?

TONY:            Can we not row over mum’s dead body please? 

RUTH:                                 There you go again

TONY:                                 What?

RUTH:            Making everything into a drama 

TONY:            Can you just go now Ruth and let me have a moment with mum on my own thanks

RUTH:            She’s not just your mum Tony

F/X:                                             DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

ANDY:            Sorry everyone lost you for a minute

RUTH:            Where’ve you been?

ANDY:            Toilet

TONY:            Number one or number two?

ANDY:            What?

RUTH:            Ignore him Andy he’s attention seeking

TONY:                                 Whose he?  the cat’s father?

ANDY:            Listen chaps we’ve got to go now they want to move the body

TONY:            Can I have a minute on my own then?

RUTH:            We have to go now Tony

TONY:            I wasn’t asking you

RUTH:            Don’t be pathetic

ANDY:            Leave it both of you we can argue in the car

TONY:                                 Do I get to say goodbye or what?

RUTH:            No

ANDY:            Let him have a minute 

RUTH:                                Why should we always do exactly what he wants? 

ANDY:            It’s not worth it Ruth….we need to fetch Dad anyway (beat) Come out in five minutes Tone okay?

F/X:            Door opens and shuts

TONY:            I’m sorry I was late mum – I tried to get away but Dad said you’d be okay for a few more days yet – are you okay? I mean I know you aren’t but I can imagine can’t I? I  wish I could have talked to you….when you were here…I wish I could have told you stuff, I never told you anything – I used to tell you everything…remember when I couldn’t sleep and I came down to tell you I’d nicked that packet of refreshers from Sean’s dad’s shop and you were marking and when I said sorry you forgave me I could sleep…and when I had nightmares and the sweats and wet the bed you looked after me….I used to scream ”it’s too smooth mum the blankets are too smooth they’re all too smooth” …and I’d be sweating and you’d hold my hand and say “it’s alright now mummy’s here….all gone now” and you’d put a cold flannel on my forehead and I’d go back to sleep…well, I’m still having them mum,  the sweats and the nightmares ….I still can’t sleep….it’s not going well mum….she had a miscarriage….and she sort of blames me….I know you wanted us to have a family….but I don’t think it’s going to happen ….I don’t think we’re going to last….I’m sorry mum…..you don’t mind do you? 

SCENE 2. 

F/X:            Exterior of Tooting bec lido on a crowded hot summer late morning mairead is swimming tony is sunbathing at the pool edge

                                               

:                                              

SCENE 3. 

F/X:            BEER GARDEN of a busy gastro pub

Wendy:            You’re emails were quite full on Tony do you always move this fast?

TONY:                                I’ve had quite a lot happening – my mum died then I split up with my partner then we got back together then we split up again so I joined “soulmates” and here we are

WENDY:                             How many dates have you had so far?

TONY:            You’re my first

WENDY:            Liar

TONY:            How many have you had?

WENDY:            Four

TONY:            I’ve had twenty two

WENDY:            What?

TONY:            In one week

WENDY:            You’re joking

TONY:            I sat in a coffee place on the South Bank every day and saw one after another…kept pretending to go to the tube, hid until they’d gone, sat back down again and waited for the next one

Wendy:                             You are wierd

Tony:            Like I said I’ve had a lot going on and my last relationship was a nightmare, we split up about five times actually

WENDY:            Only five?

Tony:                                I couldn’t stop going back, it was never going to work but the sex was amazing

WENDY:            Thanks for sharing that

TONY:            My pleasure…actually I find you really easy to talk to

Wendy:            Thanks for the compliment but I’m not your therapist

Tony:            No you’re my rebound date

Wendy:            That’s romantic

Tony:            Well it’s true and you’re the first one I’ve actually liked…you know, since Mairead. my partner

Wendy:                             Do you have to say partner?

TONY:                                 What’s wrong with that?

Wendy:            It sounds sorted and grown up and you’re mental…anyhow first rule of dating don’t go on about your ex

Tony:                                Okay but I went round to her flat today with a bunch of flowers and she wouldn’t let me in so I kept buzzing then she said she’d met someone else and it was “pure love” and I said that’s what you said about us and she said she’d been deluded then I cycled past her house and looked in through the window to see if there was his photo where mine used to be and I saw him all tall and hunky with loads of curly hair and she was there and they looked happy and uncomplicated and I hope to god she didn’t see me she’ll think I’m a stalking her or something .…do you want another drink?

Wendy:               I don’t think you’re ready for another relationship yet

Tony:            What about just sex?

Wendy:            I’m not into one night stands

Tony:            Yeah right

Wendy:            Anyhow I don’t fancy you

TONY:                                 Why not?

Wendy:                              You’ve got desperate stamped across your forehead

Tony:            I know

F/X:            WENDY GETS UP TO LEAVE

Father Christmas - a story for kids written a while ago

Father Christmas   - a short story (8 + age group)

It was love, but not just love. More. A kind of worship. They told me he was the kindest man in the world and I believed them. I knew he was, he had shown me, he always gave me what I wanted, never failed me. He was perfect and I loved him.

He loved me too – they told me. Oh, he knew who I was alright, he’d seen me always, but I was never allowed to see him. I tried to, I tried to wait for him, but he never came, only when I couldn’t see, but I knew he came because he always left something special behind.

And then they told me I was going to see him. They were taking me to where he was, and he would remember me, and kiss me, and comfort me, and love me. I wanted to give him a sign of my love so I wrote him a letter. I wrote “I love you” because I did, I really did.

We went on a train early in the morning to the big city where he was. There were thousands and thousands of people. Strange people. They seemed to have forgotten everything they ever knew about him, but when I got to his kingdom I cried. I cried because there were hundreds of people there who did know him, people just like me who did believe in his love. We all stood together and a kind of love music played. It was dark and there were stars twinkling.

I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want them with me anymore. I wanted it to be just me, me and the kindest man in the world. I held onto my letter and walked on my own into his chamber.

When I got inside it went bright again. I could see a doll in a cot. The doll had one leg missing. Then I saw lots of pieces of paper with writing and pictures. His foot was on one of the pieces of paper. It had kisses on it, I think it said “I love you”. I remembered my letter so I went up and gave it to him. He put it on a pile and it fell behind the cot. Then he took my hand but he had gloves on and it felt funny. I tried to make him let go but he wouldn’t so I pulled it out and ran away as fast as I could.

That’s when they shouted: “Come back, come back at once, you must have a photograph with the nice man” I shouted back: “He’s not a nice man. He’s horrible and you lied. You said he was the kindest man in the world and he’s not. He’s the horriblist and I hate him and I hate you”

Then I ran round the corner but he was still there so I ran back but he was there too so I screamed and I screamed until all the belief was out of me and all the love was out of me and I began to understand about the people in the big city.

So please remember if they tell you about the kindest man in the world, whatever you do don’t believe them.

Best Boy - short story written on a course

Best Boy – a short story 

Nike Town never gets this exciting. The siren’s louder than the one at the unit. It’s like being in an action film. Towering Inferno or Apocalypse Now.

“Move swiftly but carefully to the nearest marked exit. May I remind you to pay particular care with the disabled.” That’s disablist isn’t it? If I was blind or deaf or only had one leg I’d be offended. Not about the leg, about the tannoy man. I’d probably go up to his tannoy room and smack him with my plastic foot, or stab him with my foldaway stick or turn my deaf aid up so it makes that screeching sound like chalk. I do the chalk thing in Miss Simpson’s class at the unit. Her veins come up on her neck. I’m going to put a knife through those veins one day. You think I won’t but I will. I’m just biding my time.

I can’t hear myself think for all the coughing: “It’s psychosomatic you idiots. You see smoke, your brain tells you to cough. You’re not really choking. See. He’s not coughing” There’s a man sat on the stairs next to the tennis shirts and the trainers. The smoke’s made his eyes water. He’s sitting in a pool of it. No. he’s pissed himself. “If you can’t stand the heat get out of the kitchen mate.” There’s a bloke in a suit telling me off now, trying to be my dad. My dad doesn’t exist, never has, so this freak is invisible to me. I’m going to nut him.

That was sweet. This is FUN. This is AWESOME. This is the best day of my LIFE. You know what would make this day even sweeter? If my mum burned in the fire. And I could watch her. She wouldn’t see me, I’d be disguised by the smoke, and when she was about to asphyxiate I’d shout out like a disembodied voice: ‘I love you mum, I love you. I don’t want you to die.’ And I’d do my crying voice and she’d feel really sorry for me and her last words would be ‘I love you Terry’ and then she’d go like in war films like Deer Hunter or Platoon, or something, when soldiers die and they can’t stand to leave their loved ones. It would be really funny ‘cause it would be the first time she’d ever said that to me. Sober. Drunk doesn’t count, that’s not real. This is though. This is really real.

I’m going to be an orphan. And I’m going to be a supidly rich orphan. I’m going to be the most materially encumbered orphan in Dagenham. I’m going to nick every game boy, every Beckham shirt, every effin Nike thing in this burning down empire. Mum keeps ringing my mobile.

The smokes black now, thick and black. I reckon no one’s left in here but me and my mum. She won’t leave ‘til she’s found me. It’s not love you understand. It’s guilt. She hates me. Look, look at these little round tattoos on my arms. Except they’re not tattoos are they? They’re one hundred and fifty seven little burn marks from one hundred and fifty seven Marlboro Lights. My arm is my mum’s ashtray. This fire is god’s revenge on all abusive mothers. I’m shouting this out through the smoke: “MY MUM SEXUALLY ABUSES MY ARM WITH HER LIGHTED CIGARETTES ON A DAILY BASIS. SHE SHOULD BE BURNED ALIVE” I added the “sexually” bit for dramatic effect. It worked. I’m being lifted off the ground by two Darth Vadar look-alikes. “Put me down. I deserve to burn in hell. I am the devil’s spawn. ”The Darth Vadar men press their Darth Vadar claws deeper into my arms and carry me out to the pavement.

It’s gone all quiet. Like the scene in Deer Hunter when they go hunting before the wedding. “Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry, Terry”. My mum’s squeezing me really hard. My ribs are busting. “Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling, Darling” Mum’s vocabulary’s shrunk. It’s not massive at the best of times – ‘Take these bottles back and get me some fags’, ‘Don’t spend the change or I’ll hit you’, ‘I wish you’d never been born’ ‘All you do is remind me of the day that bastard raped me’. That’s the sum total of it, and it’s worse when she’s pissed. You wouldn’t want to see those things written down.

And now she’s stroking my hair. And she’s saying I love you. And she’s not even dying of asphixiation. We’re both outside. We’ve got a blanket around us. The Darth Vadar men put it there. Her breath smells sweet. My ribs are fine. I’m not an orphan.

This is the best day of my life.

New Story from the writing class - Silver Bream

Silver Bream – a short story

I love fish. I’m a Pisces, see. I love all kinds of fish - battered, fried, grilled. I love seafood too. I see food, I eat it. That’s a joke. You’re supposed to laugh.

I love fishing too, for Mackerel when I’m in Wales with Mum, or for Bream like I used to with Dad. Dad’s not with us any more, he got eaten by a shark. No he didn’t. That’s another joke. I love jokes, especially fish ones. How do you get to Wales in a mini? One in the front, one in the….you know it don’t you? Everyone knows that one. It’s a groaner. You can groan if you like.  Not inwardly, outwardly, make a noise. You won’t though will you? You’re grown ups.

I hate it when grown ups pretend to do things, like when they pretend to laugh and go “ha, ha, ha”. That’s not a proper laugh, that’s an “oh how very amusing, how absolutely funny, oh yes how witty” kind of laugh. Mr Watkins, our headmaster, is like that. He never laughs at anything, he’s a miserable bastard actually. He looks like a dead pike, all grey and wet and beady eyed - and scaly.

He’s always on my case. Take last Monday, for instance. We had a Cup match against Arnold Hill who are top of the league. We’re third so it was a crunch game. I’m centre forward, the top scorer.  I had a dream the night before that I would score a hat trick so I knew we’d win. My dreams are like witchy premonitions, they always come true. I dreamt my Dad was going to leave us and live with Aunty Carol and sure enough the next day there was a note where he would have been having his tea  - “Dear Michael, one day you’ll understand why I’ve done this. I love you son. Keep fishing and scoring goals. I’ll always be with you”. That was last January and he hasn’t taken me fishing since. He’s gone like Mr Watkins, all grey and scaly. He came on my birthday for twenty minutes wearing a suit. It’s Aunty Carol’s fault, she’s made him like a robot, a career robot. All he does is work overtime at the office. He may as well sleep in that suit, at least he won’t have to get dressed in the morning.

Anyway, back to last Monday, to Mr Watkins, and the football match, and the fish. I haven’t mentioned the fish before but that’s how it started, with a fish, a silver bream actually. Dad caught it ages ago and we put it in the freezer. I took it in for Art, I was going to do a Still Life of it, until Billy Mason started playing football with it at morning break. By the time it was rescued, it only had a head and one eyeball left.

When I picked it up everyone screamed. That gave me an idea. I put it next to my face so it looked like I had a fish face and tried to kiss people with it. I tried to kiss Laura Diprose. Thing is, I want to kiss Laura Diprose anyway so the fish was a good excuse. If I could get a fish kiss, chances were next time I’d get a human kiss. Anyway, she totally freaked out and ran to Watkins. He came into the playground all arms and legs and baggy suit shouting in my eardrums: “Michael Jenkins I want a word with you?”

I was too busy fish kissing these first years, I didn’t see him come behind me and grab me in a headlock. I had the flight or fight instinct at that moment, like me and Dad saw on David Attenborough, only I couldn’t do the flight bit due to the headlock situation, so I went for the fight option. I thought I was punching Watkins with my fist but I was holding the fish head. By the time I’d finished smacking his face with a silver bream he looked like he’d been eaten by a shark. He had blood and scales and the eyeball all over his beardy face. It looked brilliant. Everyone was laughing. Actually I was laughing, no one else, they couldn’t believe I’d beaten up the headmaster with a fish. I think it was a first in the history of Lady Bay Junior School.

I got sent home at lunchtime and banned from the match. We lost three – nil. No one scored a single goal let alone a hat trick. Watkins had to go for a tetanus jab in case he caught salmonella, which is weird ‘cause it was a bream not a salmon. My Mum grounded me for a week, but I got to see Dad for the first time since my birthday. Mum let him come round because it was in the paper and he was worried about me. He thought I’d become a juvenile delinquent as a result of my home being broken.

He came on Sunday and asked me what I wanted to do. Fishing, I said, silver bream fishing. We caught three but threw them back. Dad said it was safer that way; I wouldn’t be tempted to attack any more unsuspecting grown-ups with a fish face. He asked me to tell him exactly what happened. I think he was worried I’d done it without provocation. He relaxed when I mentioned the headlock – apart from wanting to punch Mr Watkins. I told him about Watkins’ face, with scales stuck to his beard and his three eyes, two human and one fish, and we started giggling. We couldn’t stop, we were really laughing, not in that “ha, ha, ha” grown up way I was telling you about, but like a couple of naughty boys. We were wetting ourselves, I actually had to take a piss and Dad had tears streaming down his chubby Dad face. He looked hilarious. Not as funny as Mr Watkins, but still flippin’ funny, he made me laugh even more just looking at him.

When we pulled ourselves together, Dad said he wanted to take me next Sunday too, so all in all everything turned out pretty well. I didn’t score a hat trick but I got to see my Dad crying with laughter and that was the best feeling, the best.