One for the road
“You can’t hide, you can’t hide, you can’t hide your Poker face. Poke – poke- poke – poke-poker face”
Kathy and her best friend Jenny were pissed as farts, trying to poke holes in each other with trifle sticky fingers.
“Ow that was my eye you bastard”
“Oops it’s my motor-co-ordination Jen –it’s totally gone, along with my x-ray vision. Must be the seventeen glasses of m and s prosecco – two for one if you buy the shop”
The bride and bridesmaid were now a heap of spangly tutu on the parque dance floor. Bits of stray sultana and marzipan stuck to their knees. Kath’s left nipple escaped from her boob tube.
Wehey! The bride’s getting her tits out boys! Calling all post-grad’s to the dancefloor. Soft porn action alert!”
“Shutup Gary! Just cos you’re my husband doesn’t mean you can pimp me”
“I thought that was the whole point. Legitamise the business, sell the wares instead of giving them away”
“Put a sock in it and fuck me – no need to wait for the honeymoon suite, let’s do it right here. Right now, on the floor of Bakewell Town Hall”
Kath, the bride, big on personality small on mystery, hitched her tit back into the inadequate C cup and pulled Gary, her husband, big of tie, big of belly, on top of her.
“Fight, Fight, Fight, Fight!” Jenny, best friend and bridesmaid, a pocket dynamo of a Sheffield hairdresser was egging them both on, which was ironic really. See, Gary was going out with Jenny when he met Kath, but Jenny had got a bit bored and was shagging Dez, a Sheffield United apprentice that had come in for the regulation short back and sides. He had a better six pack, well, he had a six pack. She didn’t want to break Gary’s heart so Jenny had invited her best friend to a few clubs on a Saturday night, made sure she spiked their drinks with double shots of vodka and practically thrown them on her bed and locked the door. It was the equivelant of putting two sex-starved bromide induced rats in solitary confinement. Result, Gary and Kath went at it like, er, rats in a cage, and once they had jenny’s blessing had carried on ever since. Now six months down the line they were getting married and very pissed with 109 graduates from Sheffield Hallam’s business studies B Sc class of 2009.
“Gary, Gary look over there!”
“What?”
“Grab his trousers lads!” In half a second twenty boys were pulling Gary’s kecks off and Jenny was running across the dewy lawns toward the water feature
“Come and Get me! Come on Gary! Chase me chase me” Jenny was swirling the Top Shop shiny grey drainpipes above her head, and sprinting bare foot, heels in the free hand.
“Oi, Jen come here, that’s not funny. Give em back you slag”
Gary hurtled after her, Calvin Klein rip off boxers unable to prevent his todger flapping in the chilly Northern night.
“Woo hoo, I can see yohr pinky I can see your Pinky”
“It’s nothing uou haven’t seen before is it?”
“Well I haven’t seen it that small actually gary
It’s the cold my nuts are freezing off
Get away it never gets any bigger
Does it gets to nine inches
Ooo boasty show us I dare you come on lover boy show us what Kath’s got to look forward to for the next fifty years
Alright I will I will if you stand still a bit
Jenny stopped at the edge of the canal, camouflaged by the foliage
Come on then sexy. Show us your damaged goods. I dare you. An if it gets to nine inches I’ll suck you off as a reward
Gary started breathing heavily. He was knackered it was true but it wasn’t just that. H ehad his hand on his white goods now, Jenny was on her knees in preparation.
“Fuck it Jenny You are so sexy I cant help it I cant help the fact that I still fancy the pants off you
Come here big boy – here s your reward
Back inside Kath was looking for her husband. She’d had a brillian night, best night of her life but she was ready to go back to the room, finish off a perfect night with a perfect shag, okay theyd shagged for England for the last six months but this was the special one the first one legitamate the first one married, the first one that would seal their love for the rest of their lives – and she reall y ddi love gary – he was a brilliant bloke and a good egg – he had a good job earning twice as much as any of his peers – he d won the graduate prize a year on the sales team at Arcadia group in Sheffield and he was earmarked as a top manager of the future. And he was good fun too. The team joker, and her mum liked him too. The perfect package.
Kath was in the garden now
“Gary, Gary, where the fuck are you?
Kath could hear what sounded like a fox a kind of low moaning, and it was getting loader. When Kath gaot closer tho the river she could make out a silhouette, it didn’t look like a fox or an y kind of animal, and there were definitely two types of sound, and they were human. Kath’s heart was pounding, she couldn’t hold her shoes anymore they slipped out of her pam which was dripping with sweat. She could feel tears stinging her cheeks, already chapped by the wind. She recognised the low moan, she had heard it many many times during the passionate sex charged half a year in what had been the best sex of her life with Gary, yes she recognized this uninhibited expression of male pleasure, she recognized it, the sound of her loving husband, the sound of Gary and she could see Jenny’s pink top, which was lying on the grass, next to two people shagging the living daylights out of each other.
Kath turned and walked back the way she had come. In the ten yards walk back to the town hall she made a decision. She told herself she hadn’t been out in the garden next to the river hearing foxes seeing red tops thirty seconds ago, she had been on the dance floor dancing to Fat Boy Slim right here, right now. She hadn’t seen it so it didn’t exist. This act of betrayal. It didn’t exist. Gary was hers, and would always be hers. He was loyal. He was faithful. He was the perfect package.
“Hey Kath come on we’re all dancing to Hi Ho Silver Lining – come on strut your funky stuff babe”
about fifteen of her best, best friends lifted Kath and carried her above their heads onto the dance floor.
“Bumps, bumps, bumps – give the bride the bumps”
“one, two, three, four….” How many are they going to give me Kath pondered? One for every year of my life? One for every day of my marriage? One for every second it took to betray me? Kath detached her mind from the world around her and prepared for the future. Her friends laughed and threw. Laughed and threw. Over and over again.
They didn’t notice the tears dropping from their bride’s smudged eyes five feet onto the sticky parquee floor.
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