Canned carols Play over the tannoy. A woman Dressed as Father christmas sits with her back to the audience in front of a mirror Removing her beard and make up. She Keeps her costume on. A large man dressed as father Christmas enters and Addresses the audience
BILLY: Sorry I’m late ladies and gentlemen Rudolph needed a number two but we found a toilet in the car park, so it’s crisis over and on with the show. Merry Christmas everybody, yo ho ho. Lovely to see you all looking so christmassy. I’m Father Christmas in case you were wondering and this is Long Eaton Toys R Us Basement Grotto. Do you like the decorations? Minimalist I think you’d call them. Unlike my padding. I’m sweating like a banshee under here.
Did I hear you joining in with the carols while I was parking my sleigh? Was it you Marjorie? And you sir? What a pair of vocal miracles you are. Young Marjorie with her bass profundo and little Michael with his cheeky falsetto. Are you a castrati sir or is it the cut of your trousers? Who says they only breed them in the valleys? Michael could give those welsh rarebits a run for their money any day of the week. I’d bet my wife on it – if I had one – which I haven’t ‘cause I’m Father Christmas and he’s single or celibate or abstinate or summat – careful Santa you’re going off piste – take a breath mate – phoof that’s better – lost it for a moment there ladies and gents but we’re back on track now thank Christ
MUM: Don’t blaspheme Billy
BILLY: Sorry mum -
Hands up if you believe in Santa Claus? Don’t be shy boys and girls. I’m soft as a teddy bear really. You’ve heard of the BFG haven’t you? The Big Friendly Giant? Well I’m the BFGFC the Big Friendly Giant Father Christmas. So come on, hands up. Who believes in Santa? All of you? Fantastic. Except Gladys here. What a miserable, sad, faithless existence you must lead Gladys. Only joking, you probably believe in lots of things don’t you? What’s that? eBay? You believe in eBay? Who said the spirit of Christmas is dead. It’s alive and kicking on Gladys’s laptop. Well we shan’t let her spoil our fun shall we? It is Christmas after all and (sings)tis the season to be jolly tra la la la la la la la la. Join in Marjorie. Too late the moment’s gone. Carpe deum Marjorie carpe deum. Sieze the day. Talking of which it’s time to seize the hand of the person next to you for our audience participation number ladies and gents so all stand up, join hands and put on your metaphorical dancing shoes for the Long Eaton Toys R US Christmas line dance. After three – one, two, three -
MUM: Give it a rest Billy there’s a good boy. I’m tired. And I expect they are too
BILLY: No they’re loving it - except Gladys
MUM: Do us a favour and put your feet up there’s a love. It’ll be time for tea soon (Billy takes off his beard and wig but keeps his costume on)
Billy: What are we having tonight mum?
MUM: Lamb hot pot
BILLY: Can I just have the dumplings please?
MUM: Course you can Billy
Billy: Fantastic (to the audience) Ladies and gentlemen this is my mum. Say hello mum
MUM: Hello
BILLY: A woman of few words but every one a wise one
MUM: My son on the other hand ladies and gentlemen
BiLLY: Can you not interrupt please
MUM: Sorry Billy
BILLY: We live together. Same house I grew up in. 52 Adbolton Grove
MUM: Don’t tell them the number we’ll have them all round for dumplings
BILLY: I moved back last month. Then I got the job at the grotto. I’ve had previous experience you see
MUM: He’s done all kinds of entertaining
Billy: I’ve been Father Christmas three times, twice at Selfridges and once at Harrods but I got sacked
MUM: What for?
BILLY: I told everyone there were six santas
MUM: Oh Billy
BILLY: They said I was single-handedly ruining the magic of Christmas. Then I got a job on the queue making balloon animals, but I could only do dogs and kept bursting their heads, so I tried juggling with apples and eating them at the same time. Choked on a core and was sick in a Woolworths bag so they put me in the fish department. On the display. I had to change it once a month when the fish had maggots and smelt of sewage. I was sick again. I tried stand up comedy only I got terrible stage fright. I used to throw up in the toilets and climb out through the window before they called me on. I’ve never given up on my dream to be a performer though. I believe it’s my destiny. And since I’ve been back with mum I’ve had more confidence
MUM: He’s calmed down a lot
BILLY: That’s why I got her a job here so she can support me. You’ve seen how I really take off in my role when I know I’ve got her backstage. It’s a completely different me out there
MUM: He usually bumps into things
BILLY: I’m highly strung
mum: He’s hyperactive
BILLY: I’m always fainting for no reason. I’ll be running really fast – they call me runner bean – and then I’ll faint, wake up with all these eyes looking at me “There’s runner bean, he’s done it again. He’s run and then he’s fainted”
MUM: He wets the bed an all
BILLY: I don’t mum
MUM: You used to
BILLY: When I was little
MUM: I was forever changing his bedclothes
BILLY: I’d dream I’d gone to the toilet then wake up with steam coming off the sheets
MUM: You had nightmares too
BILLY: I’d be dying of sunstroke, the blankets would be these weird sand mountains
MUM: He’d shout for me downstairs
BILLY: “they’re too smooth mum the blankets are too smooth”
MUM: The sheets would be sopping
BILLY: That was sweat
MUM: He’d come home with his shorts sopping too. Straight in the wash they went before the ammonia took hold
BILLY: All kids have accidents mum look at the ones in here they’re forever leaving damp patches
MUM: They’re only two Billy you did it when you were fifteen
BILLY: Don’t exaggerate
MUM: What about the silver jubilee party
Billy: The posh one at your brother’s house
MUM: Luckily the starter was smoked salmon so only a trained nose could smell you
Billy: I was caught short. Poppy was playing tennis and I didn’t want to stop watching - I really fancied her
MUM: She’s your cousin
BILLY: I wanted to look at her tennis dress
MUM: She’s still your cousin
BILLY: The toilet was occupied so I ran into the woods. Then it came. My trousers were sticking to my legs but Poppy could still see so I kept running then I saw the river. I jumped in and swished about a bit so it looked like I fell in
MUM: She’s twenty stone now and lives with six dogs
BILLY: Did they believe you?
MUM: What about?
BILLY: When you told them I fell in the river?
MUM: You worry too much Billy that was thirty odd years ago
BILLY: But I can remember everything as if it was yesterday
MUM: Pity you can’t remember your train fare then isn’t it….and you’re forever losing your mobile and your ipod and your wallet – I’ve started to put name tags on everything but it doesn’t make the blind bit of difference. You’re just one of life’s dreamer’s aren’t you?
BILLY: I think a lot Mum. About things. About you and dad
MUM: You think too much that’s your problem
BILLY: Why did you marry him mum?
MUM: What sort of question is that Billy?
BILLY: He just potters about doing nothing - well doing a lot of things that amount to nothing
MUM: That’s the pot calling the kettle
BILLY: He must be such a burden to you
MUM: You’re all a burden to me that’s my role in life, to carry you on my apron strings
BILLY: This isn’t a DH Lawrence novel mum
MUM: More’s the pity
BILLY: This is real life – me and you making up for lost time – trying to get to the bottom of things
mum: Calm down you’re getting yourself worked up
billy: Because I’ve got a lot to sort out – I’m still having them mum. The sweats and the nightmares
MUM: You’re not still wetting yourself I hope
BILLY: I can’t sleep especially after Maggie had the miscarriage
MUM: You never told me she was pregnant
BILLY: I never got the chance she lost it after six weeks
MUM: I’m sorry Billy
BILLY: Set her heart on having kids – last chance and all that
MUM: There’s still time
BILLY: No there isn’t she split up with us last month, that’s why I came home
MUM: You’ll get back together again I’m sure of it
BILLY: She’s met someone else
MUM: When?
BILLY: She went on holiday to Ireland and never came back
MUM: Bugger me – ‘scuse my french
BILLY: She did come back once – I saw her car there
mum: You’re not stalking her are you?
BILLY: She wouldn’t let me in so I kept buzzing. Then she told me she’d met someone else and it was “pure love” so I said “that’s what you said about us” then she said she’d been deluded so I looked through the window and he was there all young and slim and curly. She was standing next to him. They looked really happy so I cycled home. That’s when she texted me
MUM: What did it say?
BILLY: “never contact me again”
MUM: There’s plenty more fish in the sea Billy
BILLY: I could always go round and see Lucy she only lives up the road
MUM: Don’t be ridiculous you haven’t seen her since school she’s probably a grandmother
MUM: I saw her when I left uni actually
MUM: Where?
BILLY: At her wedding
MUM: I rest my case
Billy: She might be divorced
MUM: Grow up Billy
BILLY: You’re the one that said the thing about the fish
MUM: I was being flippant why do you take everything to heart? You’re just like your father
BILLY: I hope not
MUM: You could do a lot worse
BILLY: I could do a lot better
MUM: I don’t know why you’ve got it in for him
BILLY: I don’t know why you stick up for him
MUM: Because he’s my husband
BILLY: But he’s always putting you down
MUM: That’s marriage Billy it’s not perfect
BILLY: I saw him hit you once
MUM: When?
BILLY: December 26th 1998
MUM: You’re very precise
BILLY: You don’t forget something like that
MUM: Well I don’t remember, besides Christmas is a stressful time
BILLY: It was premeditated
MUM: I don’t want to talk about it
Billy: When I was thirteen I was obsessed with Keith Moon so I told Dad I wanted a drum kit. Christmas day I woke up with something squashing my legs. I looked down and this silver snare drum glinted at me. It was brilliant. I hunted in my bedroom for the cymbals and the tom toms and the hi-hat. I couldn’t find any, then Dad came in. “Did you get your drum Billy?” “Yeah, thanks Dad.” He started laughing: “No more marks on the coffee table now you’ve got a proper one to bash.” Then I knew that was it, that was my present. No hi-hat no tom toms no crash cymbal just a snare drum. You can’t play anything on one drum. You need a drum kit. A drum kit or nothing
MUM: Your dad spent hours choosing that
BILLY: But it wasn’t what I wanted
MUM: You’re so ungrateful. It cost twenty five pounds that’s a lot of money back then
BILLY: It wasn’t the money it was that he didn’t understand. I was going to be a rock drummer I wasn’t joining the boys brigade
MUM: You should have grown up during the war then you’d be grateful
BILLY: The Christmas before I wanted a Forest football shirt. So what did he get me? A rugby shirt from Wakefields. I was always last pick because no-one wanted me in their team
MUM: Why not for god’s sake?
BILLY: They all had proper colours. They could pretend to be Forest or Derby but they couldn’t pretend to be the Wakefield Shop
MUM: Well I never fitted in at school Billy, nor did your father. Actually I think anyone who doesn’t fit in is going the right way about it – who wants to be conventional?
BILLY: I do mum I do – I want to fit in – I want to be normal - I want to sleep without sweating I want to wake up without shaking
MUM: That’s down to you Billy
BILLY: No it’s not. You brought me up to be the perfect target for school bullies. Over-sensitive, eccentric and pseudo-intellectual
MUM: Don’t get dramatic you’ll only start fainting again
BILLY: You made me wear a kilt to every Christmas party. Other kids got to wear normal clothes which kind of changed every time but I was in the same woollen skirt and I wasn’t even Scottish
MUM: Your great great grandad was
BILLY: Oh right so I was an eighth Scottish ergo I had to go through the same ritual humiliation every year - that was only right and proper
MUM: You’ve had a tough time of late you’re bound to feel bitter
BILLY: I don’t feel bitter I feel lost – and it’s been building up way before Maggie left – it started at primary school and kept going – I was the last to go from shorts to long trousers, I wore drainpipes that were too short and wedges that were too big when everyone else wore flares and doc martins
MUM: Only fascists wear those Billy – is that what you want to be?
BILLY: The shoes mum not the boots they’re just ordinary shoes – when I got into fights you said turn the other cheek and what happened? They punched that one as well – when election time came you shouted “Vote Labour” through a loud speaker when everyone voted conservative
MUM: What’s that got to do with the price of cheese?
BILLY: They used to beat me up for it
MUM: You never told me
BILLY: It wasn’t news they beat me up all the time
MUM: Don’t exaggerate
BILLY: You made me take French horn lessons and they’d kick me in the back until I dropped the case
MUM: We wanted you to have opportunities
BILLY: When I was with Lucy Dad forced me to dump her so I could revise for my O-levels and every night I stayed in you yelled at each other until one of you slammed the door and left
MUM: We always came back
BILLY: But what if you hadn’t? I lived with the fear that one day you might keep on walking and frankly I’m surprised you didn’t, Dad was genuinely frightening – I’d hear the door go at the top of the stairs and if Planet of the Apes was on I’d get a belting for not helping with the tea – he never helped with the tea
MUM: Your father was under a lot of stress when you were a teenager
BILLY: Well he dumped it all on us mum – you can’t deny it – he was a monster – and I can’t forgive him
MUM: You’re forty seven Billy - it’s time you stopped blaming everyone else. Whatever mistakes your Dad and I made we tried our best. No-one tells you how to do it, there’s no road map, we make it up as we go along just as you did
BILLY: Just as I did what?
MUM: You left home at eighteen and never came back
BILLY: I did come back
MUM: When?
BILLY: I was there at Christmas
MUM: Once or twice Billy and you’d be off the next morning, sometimes the night before, you couldn’t get away fast enough
BILLY: I’m not surprised you could cut the atmosphere with a knife
MUM: Whose fault was that?
BILLY: Dad’s
MUM: For goodness sake
BILLY: It’s true
MUM: And when did we ever get an invitation?
BILLY: I was never very settled
MUM: All that time you’ve been holding onto this resentment when you could have just let it go
BILLY: It’s not that easy mum
MUM: We only get one shot at it Billy and much as I’m happy to have you now what a shame all those years have passed when we never saw hide nor hair of you
BILLY: I couldn’t help it
MUM: Why Billy? Why was it so hard?
BILLY: I needed to find my own way without Dad breathing down my neck
MUM: You could have come to see me
BILLY: You were never on your own mum
MUM: Your Dad thought it was me, thought I was the reason
BILLY: That’s bollocks, you were the life and soul. Think what you could have been if you hadn’t had him to look after
MUM: or you
BILLY: Don’t change the subject you know he dragged you down
mum: You have no idea about me and your Dad Billy no idea at all you’re too wrapped up in yourself
BILLY: He used to hit you
MUM: Once Billy once, which is less than you hit both of us
BILLY: I was a troubled adolescent
MUM: And I forgive you just as you should him
BILLY: I’m struggling
MUM: I need to say something Billy
BILLY: Well say it
MUM: I need you to be listening
BILLY: I am
MUM: Properly listening I know what you’re like
BILLY: I’m all ears
MUM: You know Grandma was paralysed
BILLY: I knew she couldn’t walk much
MUM: She was fine before she had a nasty fall
BILLY: When was that?
MUM: Just before I was born
BILLY: Right
MUM: She fell because she was pregnant with me – because she was carrying me
BILLy: Right
MUM: She didn’t like me much after that, when I was born, she was an absolute cow to me in fact
BILLY: She was always lovely to me
MUM: Yes I know she was lovely to you Billy but I had a very tough time with my mother – she knocked all the confidence out of me
BILLY: I’m sorry mum
MUM: Then your Dad came along and put me back together again, it was a proper love affair
BILLY: Right
MUM: and out of that love affair came you
BILLY: Right
MUM: You were made with love Billy – I want you to remember that
BILLY: Okay
MUM: Promise me you’ll look after him when I’m gone
Billy: You’re not going anywhere
MUM: Promise me that Billy
Billy: Okay
MUM: You will be there for him won’t you – I’m relying on you
BILLY’S Father enters
BILLY: Speak of the devil
he is a frail man. as he walks to Billy mum leaves the opposite way at the same pace. she looks at them both for the last time. neither Billy nor dad SEE HER GO
BILLY: Hi Dad – safe journey?
DAD: Not too bad – busy day?
BILLY: So,so
DAD: Am I early? I could go up to the canteen and get a bite if you like? Come down when you’re finished
BILLY: It’s okay Dad I’ll cook for us. How does shepherd’s pie sound?
DAD: What about your shift?
Billy: I’ll get one of the others to fill in for me – it’s been quite a day actually
Dad: It has. I think the weather’s changed, started getting dark about three when I was dusting mum’s photos. Went through her books today – put some in a box for the labour party and some for Oxfam in time for Christmas. Can’t believe it’s nearly a year still feels like yesterday
BILLY: I know. Just been thinking about her actually
DAD: I think about her all the time. Can’t help it. It’s good to have you home Billy. Stops me rattling around the place like Miss Haversham
BILLY: It’s not a chore Dad, I like the company
DAD: Making up for lost time are we?
BILLY: Better late than never eh?
DAD: Time-keeping was never your strong point Billy
BILLY: Speaking of which I’d better get the tea on
DAD: I’ll bring the car round - see you in a minute then son
BILLY: Yeah thanks Dad. Won’t be long DAD EXITS
BIlly: (as he changes into civvies) Forgot about you all for a moment there. In a world of my own. Bob’s going to take over soon. He’s a great Santa – takes his time, really listens. You’ll love him. (BEAT) Right, I’m off then. Merry Christmas if I don’t see you again. Keep up the lovely singing Marjorie, oh and Gladys – you keep on bidding if it makes you happy. We only get one shot at it don’t we? Cheerio.(to himself as he picks up jacket and exits) tis the season to be merry tra la la la la la la la la EXITS
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