sCENE 1.
football GROUND in nottingham. jan 1989. sprint TRAINING. Jimmy is Watching cloughie shouting at The players
CLOughie: C’mon lad, sprint! Me nan’s faster than that and she’s got two wooden legs. Ten press ups the lot of you!
jimmy(V.O) : Harsh. Very harsh. I’d rather be squirting jelly into pork pies anyday
CLOUGHIE: Balls out lads – five a side, two halves of ten (BEAT) Gerra shift on I’m missing “Neighbours”!
five a side match starts
pippa(off): There he is. There’s Cloughie. Bring all the gear, John, chop, chop
The Clank of camera equipment being carried from off
jimmy(V.O.): Bloody ‘ell me “Oprah Winfrey” moment an I’m dyin for a slash. ‘Scuse us a second. ….
pippa(OFF) : Where’s the fan gone?
John(OFF) : The gents I think
pippa(OFF): What’s he doing there? Get him back. Get him back here John, chop chop
cloughie: You couldn’t trap a bag of cement!
clanking stops
pippa: Mr Clough? Pippa Lawrence, “Midlands Today” – pleasure to meet you. And this is our cameraman, John Turner
john: How d’you do Mr Clough?
pippa: And here’s the fan…er….what’s your name? I’m sorry I’ve forgotten
jimmy: (out of breath) Jimmy
pippa: Jimmy what?
JIMMY: (still out of breath )Jimmy Wilkinson
beat
cloughie: Is it April fool?
john: No it’s January Mr Cl -
Cloughie: I know what bloody month it is lad. Do you want a clip round the ear?
pippa: That’s sort of why we’re here actually -
cloughie: You’re on my football pitch young lady
john: We’ve squared it with the press office Mr Cl -
cloughie: And you’re off-side young man
pippa: It’s basically a “kiss and make up” feature
cloughie: Which one’s Tweedle dee?
John: What Pippa…what my colleague is trying to say is…we’ve brought along one of the fans you…er
cloughie: One of the fans I…er…what?
john: One of the fans you….er
Pippa: ”apprehended” - for want of a better word - at the pitch invasion last Wednesday….
john: and he’s come along this morning to apologise….
Pippa: …on television….
john: …for “Midlands Today”…
pippa: ….tonight
jimmy: Hello Brian. I’m Jimmy. One of the fans. One of the fans you hit on the head
SCENE 2.front room. jimmy and Mam are eating tea. tv is on: BBC “midlands today” theme tune. Jimmy is singing along
mam: Belt up Jimmy you’re putting me off me tea
JIMMY: I’m on telly in a minute mam
mam: And I’m Nora Batty – don’t talk daft lad
tv fades up
Pippa(D) : …with thirty two year old pie worker Jimmy Wilkinson…
EATING stops
mam: Bloody Nora
jimmy: Told ya
PlPPA(D) : ….to meet Forest manager Brian Clough
mam: Bloody Nora
pIpPA(D) : …. for his part in last week’s pitch invasion
mam: What pitch invasion?
jimmy(D) : I’d just like to say sorry Brian. I don’t think you should’ve hit me but I don’t think I should’ve been on the pitch in the first place (beat) So I’m sorry for starting it
cloughie(D) : Come here lad and let Cloughie give you a smacker
A loud kiss. Tv continues low
jimmy: Kissed by “God” eh? I won’t wash for a week
mam: Hit by “God” more like
jimmy: What’s up mam? I’ve just been on telly with a football legend. I’m famous.
mam: Famous for being an idiot. How did they find you?
jimmy: Who?
mam: “Midlands Today”
JIMMY: They came in the “Dog and Bear” askin’ if I knew any of the fans
mam: And you kept your gob shut
jimmy: I told ‘em Cloughie hit me
mam: Do you want all Nottingham to know you’re a football hooligan?
jimmy: I’ve been on telly mam – It was a laugh
mam: I’m splittin me sides Jimmy – when will you grow up?
JIMMY: When you stop naggin me. I’m off to the “Dog” - to find you a sense of humour
scene 3. dog n bear. “me n Mrs jones”(original version) on juke box quiet pub noise
jimmy(V.O.): Dead as a dodo – what night is it? Tuesday. Darts Night - Sod it. And the telly’s not been on. I checked. No-one’s seen it (BEAT) No-one’s even noticed I’m here
smokers mild coughing fit
JIMMY(V.O.) : Who was that bloke said we all get fifteen minutes of fame? I reckon he was talking out of his -
Factory hooter. scene 4. PIE FACTORY. hum of processing machines
jimmy(V.O): It’s like winning “employee of the month”. People keep pointing at me and laughing
Hydraulic gun squirts jelly in rhythm
TWOPINTS: Saw you on the box last night Jimmy
jimmy: Oh aye
twopints: You’re taller than Cloughie aren’t you?
jimmy: Nothin gets past you does it Twopints?
twopints: Look, it’s the girls in pastry. They’re starin’ at you. Give ‘em a wave Jimmy
jimmy: Hi girls
jelly gun misses a squirt
twopints: Watch out - you missed your squirt!
jimmy: Oh bugger! Some poor sod’s in for a shock tomorrow when he bites into a jelly-free pork pie
twopints: I never eat ‘em myself. Not after seein’ what they put inside. Pig’s ears, bits of stomach, toe nails -
jimmy: Alright Twopints I get the picture. Anyway, I’m a vegan
twopints: I’m a Gemini
break bell. SCENE 5. works canteen. Frank an Jimmy are drinking tea in a corner. hubbub under dialogue
frank: Our Mam was on the phone last night. Says you were on “Midlands Today” making a fool of yourself
jimmy: Pass the sugar Frank
passes sugar across table while speaking. jimmy stirs under dialogue
frank: Then I come into work this morning an everyone’s sayin me brother’s a local hero
jimmy: I am a local hero
frank: For what? Getting cuffed by Brian Clough?
jimmy: We kissed and made up though – in front of millions
frank: You live in a dream world Jimmy
jimmy: Because it’s better than the real one. Why do you always piss on me bonfire Frank? You’re worse than Mam
FRANK: I’m not arguing with you
jimmy: Cos you know you’ll lose
they drink
JIMMY: How’s Jo and the kids?
FRANK: Fine – takin ‘em out for the day, Saturday
jimmy: Nottingham Castle?
frank: Macdonalds and Blockbusters
JIMMY LAUGHs
frank: You shouldn’t be living at home Jimmy
jimmy: I know that Frank
jimmy drinks
frank: Why don’t you go down and see Jo’s brother – he’s got tons of building work on
jimmy: I hate Cockneys
frank: He’s from Kent
bell sounds. SCENE 6. the “DOG AN BEAR”. JUKE BOX PLAYS “billy don’t be a hero” by Paper lace. jimmy is a BIT pissed
jimmy(V.O.) : (off) Cheers mate! (to us) That’s me fifteenth free pint. (sings along to juke box)…“Come back and make me your wife…” 1975 that was. Paper Lace. Nottingham’s first number one. I bet they got free drinks an all …”an as Billy started to go”…
mam: Can I have your autograph please Jimmy Wilkinson
jimmy: Mam (beat) What you doing here?
mam: I needed to get away from that blasted phone – it won’t stop ringing. It’s all your fault you know
(pause)
jimmy: Do you want a pint – I’ve got a stockpile
mam: That’d be nice
SHE DRINKs. Beat
MaM: Found your old boots when I was clearing the loft this morning – they were white once I got the mud off
jimmy: Not me “Alan Ball’s”? Bloody hell! They’re older than Paper Lace!
mam: Who?
jimmy: Never mind
They drink. pause
jimmy: Mam
mam: What?
jimmy: I weren’t actually cuffed by Cloughie you know
MaM: How do you mean?
Jimmy: I was nowhere near him when he hit the fans. I was still on the terraces
MAM: Then why did you say you were?
jimmy: I thought it’d be a laugh
MAM: Ask a stupid question……
jimmy: And it is a laugh mam – look at all me freebies
mAM: I’ll keep me gob shut if you give me another
JIMMY: Is that a bribe?
MAM: No it’s a Guinness
JIMMY: I’ll have to carry you home again
mam: I’m lookin forward to it
Takes drink. beat
mam: Why don’t you play anymore Jimmy? You used to be quite good
jIMMY: I was quicker than Franz Carr - ooh ah franzie carr
mam: Who -
JIMMY: -ah franzie carr…I was better than our Frank anyroad
mam: Spoke to him yesterday – says I can use his season ticket on Saturday
Jimmy: You never go to Forest mam
mam: I do now son (beat) You comin?
SCENE 7. the city ground match day. Chant of “brian clough’s a football genius” then crowd cheers as jimmy an mam take seats
Mam: Is that for you Jimmy?
jimmy: I’m a celebrity didn’t I tell you?
mam: Better keep “mum” then
A huge roar then “we will rock you” over tannoy as players take the field
mam: It’s like a pop concert. Who’s the player in the mittens?
jimmy: Nigel Clough, he’s Cloughie’s son – and they’re gloves not mittens
mam: You can tell his mam looks after him though can’t you?
Whistle blows for kick off. crowd noise increases under
jimmy: We’re playin Spurs away next week mam. Thought I might stay down South for a bit after. Stay with Jo’s brother (BEAT) Just for a few weeks
crowd roar at a near miss. then chant “ooh ah Franzie Carr” under dialogue
MAM: It’s exciting isn’t it?
JIMMY: Aye, it is (BEAT) I’ve never been to Kent
MAM: I can’t hear you if you mumble Jimmy
JImmY: Just enjoy the match mam and I’ll talk to meself for a bit
MAM: You’re a funny boy Jimmy Wilkinson
beat
JIMMY: Might try those boots on when I get home. See if they still fit
mam: You goin to start playin again?
jimmy: Aye mam I think so (BEAT) I might even take them with me
CHANt builds and segues into the chorus of “OOPs UPSIDE YER HEAD” from which it is taken. end.
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